the music sounds sweeter these days…

The calm has set in.  I feel like I can breathe.  The past month or so has been a little jarring to my spirit, but it has not been without many of the sweetest moments.  Besides dealing with the Great Power Outage of 2011, which most of us in Connecticut are finally recovering from… I was sent in for a wee bit of surgery… again… just to make sure I am still paying attention I suppose.

Since October 2009, when my life was so rudely interrupted with the Breast Cancer diagnosis, there have been what seems to be an endless number of surgeries and medical challenges.   I had never had surgery before this time.  The thought of it made me shudder.  But I have been poked, sliced, stitched, injected and infused more in the past two years than I would like to admit.  Most of my treatments and surgeries had wrapped up earlier this year and I was moving on.

Life was getting better, but it was an adjustment.  I was feeling like one of Picasso’s lovely nudes…  my body felt so disjointed and awkward, but I knew I was of a new strength.  I knew I was somehow more beautiful, even with all my jagged scars, and without my long hair. It was a sad beauty… a beautiful sadness…  Yet I was a stronger, more powerful, more beautiful woman.  I became one of the women for whom all the pink fuss was about.

As things were returning to normal, I had no intention of dwelling on this pothole in the road.  Life was going good for us in 2011.  The economy still sucking… The weather still usually sucking… but I was all patched up, i had some peach fuzz on my head, i was alive, and life was going very good.

Then we get another shot of “Oh Jesus!” juice.  Early last month I found out I had a cyst on my ovary… which is typically not that alarming and very common apparently… but because of “my history” they immediately sent me back into the OR to get the whole ovary removed.   It is likely nothing… but if it is something… we will just remove your other ovary and your uterus… and if it is still something you will have some more chemo… and then you should be fine…  You are over 40 so you must have had your children already… (no, thanks for assuming though).

It was hard to keep the thoughts at bay… to not revisit my dark thoughts of pain and mortality…further departure from my femininity… but I managed to stay positive for the most part.

Today my new set of scars are starting to heal, I can sit up on my own again, and test results all came back good.  Now that storm Alfred, and my own personal little power outage, are over… I am back in the swing and all “lights” are back on!  Fist bumps all around.

I have made some interesting observations recently.  Each time I come out of this ever more familiar post-surgery storm… I seem to know myself a little better.  There seems to be a noticeable light shining upon my surroundings… a tangible sharpening of my senses.  The colors of the trees and the horizons are so much more vibrant.  The flavors of a home cooked meal are so much more delightful. The voice of a friend is so much more relished.  My dance music makes me feel so much more emotional.  Songs on the radio are so much more fun… I can’t stop car dancing!  I’ve seriously got moves like Jagger lately.

I am not taking these observations lightly.  It should not take being injected with toxic chemicals or winning a one-sided, unarmed fight with a scalpel-wielding professional to make me notice a sunset or make time for a friend.  I always notice sunsets, and i always love my friends,  but maybe this is why we must go through rough times.  Just to make sure we are still paying attention – really paying attention.

Are you there God?  It’s me, erica.  Please no more surgeries this year… I’m listening!!!  (-:

ejl x.o.

PabloPicasso-Girl-with-Mandolin-Fanny-Tellier-1910

Images: Les Demoiselles d’Avignon – Pablo Picasso, e.j.l.’s sketch book, Girl With a Mandolin – Pablo Picasso

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22 thoughts on “the music sounds sweeter these days…

  1. I am glad on your behalf that lights are back on. But I agree one shouldn’t have to get banged in the head – so to speak – to learn to appreciate the small pleasures of the Now. Hopefully you can at least enjoy your new found awareness from now on and nothing more will happen again. I wish you all the best.

  2. Thank you for sharing your journey and your struggles. Your blog is inspiring and I love the name of it. Sky blue with daisies makes me smile 😉 Thanks for following my blog. I’m following yours now.

    • Thank you!! I’m always glad to make another Erica smile. (i’m Erica too) (-: Your home in Norway looks very beautiful… and cold! It will be cold here in Connecticut too, very soon. All the best to you, hope we can visit each other often!

  3. It sounds like you are a very strong person and because of this, not the illness, you feel the goodness of life thoroughly. It shines though in the joy of your writing. Keep with the joy no matter where life takes you. The joy of what we do rewards us in kind.

  4. I am glad to hear you are on the mend and it sounds like you have established what truly is important in life and not to take anything for granted. Keep healing and thanks for sharing.

  5. I don´t know you but I wish you perfect love just for making me smile and for not giving up.

    I even died and came back – which made me appreciate things A LOT. Yet ten years after that “incident” of drowning it took a car accident with permanent damage to make me realize how lucky I am just to be able to drink clean tap water 😉

    Somehow when the body gives in the mind and heart grows stronger 🙂

    Happiness and peace

    • i am reading your comments and they make me feel so good. Knowing i have touched someone across the world, or made someone smile is a lovely way to start the day. I wish i could stay right now and read more of your blog, but i am off to work – which although it frustrates me to have to go, i am grateful to have this job to go to. Can’t wait to read more of your blog… Thank you for your kind thoughts and loving words. erica.

      • You not only touched me, you filled my whole being with strength at the exact time when I needed it.
        Just to see that someone understands and put in words what my mind thinks soothes my heart.
        Is it not amazing that people all over the world are so much alike in different way?. In the end it comes down to one thing ; a human being is a human being
        Thank you so much 🙂
        . David

      • Thank you David. Sometimes i do get caught up in the ugliness that humans will cast on the earth and each other (i watch too much TV)… but then i share a moment with a kind person as yourself and remember the power love and compassion have over hatred and greed. Have a lovely day!

  6. I have a brain tumor. Its sitting behind my left ear. I’ve seen pictures of it. In is inoperable but benign. I call it B9. If it changes I’ll have an operation. It does play on your mind. I know what you mean by operations. I had a heart attack 4 years ago. You get sick of hospitals. But what can you do, but press on. And enjoy each day.

    • Thank you for visiting me David. I am so intrigued by your art pieces and the stories they tell. BC and B9 have nothing on us. And the essence of your heart is stronger than most i have known. I will enjoy reading your stories and getting to know your creative soul. Have a wonderful day, David my friend.

  7. WOW. 1st you are an amazing person! Reading this particular blog you inspired and made me tear up. It is wonderful to see you are seeing the world with new light and vigor and not letting ANYTHING stop you from doing so. I absolutely love your reference to feeling like one of Picasso’s lovely nudes, never before have i seen someone describe themselves after having surgery for cancer or breast cancer in this way and it gives someone like me and others hope. This just goes to prove, life is definitely about perspective and how you see things. You are an inspiration to us all! 🙂

    P.S. I love the notebook drawings! Did you or someone you know draw them?

    • It’s so nice to wake up before work and read such a sweet comment. The beauty in my day sometimes gets lost as i rush off to the office and enter my cubicle, but it’s loving words like this from a virtual friend that will make me stop and smile as the afternoon wears on. I was just giggling reading your about page as i just finished doing some early morning belly dance exercises… and i have no curtains so i’m sure the neighbors think i’m a nut… but who cares! (-: Thank you for stopping here and touching my life. hope we will visit each other often. P.S. yes… those are my sketches… thank you!!

  8. Thank you for sharing such an incredibly private story with us, Erica. The next time I’m on a self-pitying downward spiral I’m going to read your blog to cheer myself up and get some perspective. You made me simultaneously tear up and giggle out loud – what an inspiration you are. xo

    • you are very sweet Lucernae. tears and giggles are universal. What an incredible feeling to know we can touch the hearts of others across the world, without even leaving our homes. Wishing you all the best in pursuit of your creative destiny!

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